I have this blog. I think it would be a great place to write about my breast cancer experience but I haven’t been able to write anything at all since I was diagnosed a month ago.
There’s just so much. If I die where do I want my remains to go? How can I make it easier for the Wonderspouse?
Today I talked to my GP. He was proud of me. He said I was the fourth woman this week who had come into his office having been recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Yesterday the pre-op nurse said the breast cancer rate had risen from 1 in 8 to 2 in 4 and they have no idea why. Before I left she said, “Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I almost cried.
The night before and the morning of the operation I have to wash with HiBi Scrub, even my hair. No shampoo. No conditioner. So today I went to my local hair salon and had most of my hair cut off. It’s kind of a short bob cut. It looks French. It’s kind of cute.
With the information they have now they don’t think I will have to have Chemo. Of course, that could change.
I have two tumours. They won’t be able to save my nipple but I won’t have to have a mastectomy (unless something goes horribly wrong). I will have to have several weeks of radiotherapy. They are hopeful. I am hopeful.
I have massive amounts of reading material and loads of instructions. The NHS nurses are amazing. We must all fight for our NHS. We are so lucky to have them.
And then there is the spirituality aspect of it all. I’m not looking for a “reason” or someone to blame but I am trying to find “me” in all of this.
I’m tired. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I rage at the heavens but mostly I just try to put one foot in front of the other. And sometimes I spend hours watching old movies or reading and sleeping.
I have Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS and PTSD. Obviously the stress of having breast cancer makes all of those things so much worse. My body hurts. My heart hurts. But the nurses and the doctors say, “It’s a process and eventually it will all be behind you.”
Although, at the moment I’m hugely flakey and can’t think about much more than that I’m using all my energy to survive cancer.
So… that’s what’s going on with me. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves but mostly I hope you are remembering to love yourselves.