some days
I can’t think

some days
I can’t
even
make words
can’t talk

he knows
all the pieces of me

some days
I don’t have to talk

he knows
what I can’t say

but it scares me

this sea fog
I’m lost in

they say the poison
killing the poison
can make your brain swell
cause the brain
to rearrange itself
into something
other

I try to ride it out
like the surf
at Ma’alea Bay

I know
I’m going to tumble
that the sea
will spit me out

I just
try
to focus
on not
being swallowed
like Jonah
and the whale

But I can’t focus
I can’t think

some days
I practice
lying still
not thinking
not trying

just not dying

19 May 2018