Accept what comes from silence.
Make the best you can of it.
Of the little words that come
out of the silence, like prayers
prayed back to the one who prays,
make a poem that does not disturb
the silence from which it came.
~Wendell Berry
I am feeling very much under the weather today. Recovery from a year of cancer treatment isn’t going well. Bone scan with the ever so precious radioisotopes is happening on Monday. However, Katie is taking care of me. I love my dogs.
I have
no voice
lost it, perhaps
or merely
forgotten it
This sickness
has changed me
is changing me
turning me
inside out
No
not like a hurricane
or a quick
tornado
More like
a piece of laundry
left out on the line
in a thunderstorm,
twisted out of shape
In the complicated
process
of freeing myself
I have forgotten
my song
forgotten
to sing
I am still
hanging limply
on the line
practicing
sounds
whispering
words
looking
for my voice
in the midst
of the loud
shrieking
of this illness
And I wonder
if
learning to listen
comes first
I falter
a lot
Today
I have been
asking questions
Lots of why questions
Some when questions
Lots and lots
of what now questions
And then I felt myself falter
Yet again
I think sometimes
something
as innocent
as a warm breath
can cause a loss
of balance
Yes
But also
a missed
Heartbeat
And so I falter
and catch myself
without waiting
for that warm breath
or a reason
for my heart to beat
Today
I am a lover
of me.
The wind
is harsh
and cold
bending
barren branches
until
like grasping fingers
they touch
the frozen ground
I hold my breath
not wanting
to breathe
not wanting
to feel
cold
fill up
my lungs
my heart
I have
forgotten
how to bend
how to touch
the ground
with my
grasping
fingers
It is winter
again
