And if
I place my lips
just so
will you sing for me?
25 June 2018
from the English Channel
Tag: breast cancer
Crossroads
It is summer
and I am ill
falling
fast
I am listening
to the blues
to Robert Johnson
and wondering
about crossroads
and old roads
and intersecting paths
and the old ways
chants heard
in lush green leaves
prayers
and blessings
witchcraft
It is summer
and I am surrounded
by roses
and lavender
and geraniums
and hanging baskets
with unknown flowers
cascading
over the sides
like a floral invocation
to unnamed goddesses
everywhere
The wind
blows
in the afternoon
It no longer
plays havoc
with my curls
They’re gone away now
wherever it is
illness takes them
At night the air stills
stars sparkle
and glitter
like you once said
my eyes did
It is summer
and I am surviving
loss
and renewal
and relentless sickness
and time
in all its
temporary majesty
20 June 2018
on the Sussex Coast
the fragility of summer
Dance and Fall: Chemo poetry
They gather around
ghosts
and loves
and stars
and Moon
I try
to dance
with them all
stumble
and fall
They falter
and wait
until I can dance
again
and I do
9 May 2018
Chemo Yesterday
Cycle 3 of 6 Chemo treatments happened yesterday morning, although, at a reduced dose.
I don’t know but I’m guessing I won’t feel like making words for awhile.
I don’t feel like making words now.
I don’t know if it’s silly and futile to try to maintain a blog while going through cancer treatment but for the moment I’m trying to persist.
On Tuesday I was in the hospital for pre-chemo blood work.
I’ve recently discovered the poet, Alice Oswald.
While I was waiting I read her poem:
DUNT: A POEM FOR A DRIED-UP RIVER
I like this first verse:
Very small and damaged and quite dry,
a Roman water nymph made of bone
tries to summon a river out of limestone
I like the idea of summoning rivers.
Blessings,
8 May 2018
A word or two…
I have started a number of posts attempting to describe where my head’s at these days but I get bored with them after the second paragraph.
They tell me cancer takes over your life. They’re not wrong but it doesn’t mean I want to talk about it. It’s just so boring.
Yet, it’s everywhere, impacts everything.
I’ll just say the chemo drugs and my body are not getting along. I have mysterious fevers and blood work indicating I’m fighting an inflammation of some kind but they can’t find a source.
Until those inflammation indicators come down chemotherapy has been deferred which means cancer has been given a reprieve which is depressing.
Unfortunately the high fevers are exhausting. I sleep a lot. I’m spacey a lot. I read a lot of poetry.
I find my writing a bit banal. I’m never happy with it. It seems off in some way. Sometimes I think I try too hard.
So I just read more and sleep more.
That’s where my head’s at.
Blessings.
Cancer Treatment Follow Up
As a follow up to THIS POST:
The Wonderspouse moved Heaven and Earth on Friday. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.
He spoke to the Chemotherapy Sister (aka Head Nurse) for a long time.
He spoke to my GP who doesn’t know me because my GPs keep retiring (and who can blame them with Jeremy Hunt at the reins).
Unlike myself who had reached the end of her patience and would have pissed everyone off, he was able to be assertive without causing the medical staff to dig their heels in.
Clearly, I don’t have a virus (rolls eyes). I do have a sinus infection. I do, after all, have a history of them. I don’t think the fevers are related to an infection at all. They’re probably being caused by the bone marrow injections.
The GP has given me doxycycline. The Chemo Sister said my blood didn’t look too bad. So I have hope that with the antibiotics I will be well enough to continue chemotherapy. I have a appointment with the oncologist on Thursday.
I had ripped off my PICC line dressing because it was so tight it felt like knives piercing my skin. So Friday afternoon a very nice, gentle, nurse named Grace created a dressing that not only didn’t hurt, but has started healing the red, inflamed, places.
Friday afternoon the Wonderspouse took me to the beach on the way back from the hospital. We just took in the sea air for a bit. It was lovely.
Yesterday we had a burger in Worthing. It was a bright, sunshiny day. I tired quickly but still, it was a day out in the sun.
So, still a massive uphill climb but at least the demeaning treatment by the Emergency Floor doctors is resolved.
Here’s a pretty picture of my beach:
Battles with the Male Medical Ego
I’ve run up against the Male Medical Ego, head first. Yes, again. I still live in hope that those creatures will become extinct.
As they insist in treating a sinus infection, which they are adamant is viral and which I am equally adamant isn’t (I should know as I’ve had two sinus surgeries for the damn things), with amoxicillin which hasn’t worked on me since I was 10, I am too sick for chemotherapy. I am too sick for radiotherapy and I will continue to be too sick.
So all cancer treatment has been suspended. In all fairness, I think my existence has escaped their attention at this point.
On a positive note, I have a 74% chance of survival from the surgery alone.
My throat hurts. My face hurts. My head hurts. My glands hurt. I’m pretty pissed off.
Here’s a pretty picture of me in my latest sun hat.
