Tiny Atomic Explosions of Love: chemo poetry

There are days
when the sickness
is so great
I think
it cannot
be borne

And yet it is

one breath
at a time
one doggie
cuddle
at a time

And when
the face
in the mirror
shows how
clearly
my body
is ravaged
with sickness
and disease

and I break
down
into sobs
that shake
the very
essence of me

He is there
never far
to hold me
until I can let go
and hold
onto myself
again

I think
that must be
what love is

Knowing when
to hold on tight
and when to let go

It is
a sickness
that can’t
be borne
but it is

through
great
and small
acts of love
and mercy

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In His Kiss

We live
with sadness
with love
with softness
with hope
with resilience
with vulnerability
with gentle beginnings
with forever breaths

I can taste
all of this
in his kiss

1 April 2018
Sussex Coast, England

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How They Love

Bodies that sway
forgotten
by time

She leans
in
to him

forgetting
for the moment

he has not
always
been there

She can’t remember
taking a breath
without the beat
of his heart
next to hers

She tucks
her head
softly
into his neck

His arm
slides
around
her small
shoulders

This
is how
they face the world
weather the tides

This
is how
they love

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I married a man

I married a man
sixteen years ago

today

One day I left him

He let me go
and waited
and rescued me
over and over again

Now
I’m dying
or fighting death
hard
with more death

And I wonder
about Love
and constancy
and patient
persistence

Yesterday
I told a few people
who remember me
still
that sometimes
I think the true healers
are those
who can hold our hand
in silence

I’m tired
I’m tired a lot now

But there is a man
who never lets go
of my hand

And there’s a kind of
magic in that

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Another Word for Love

They say
that cancer
of the breast
is a path

you walk

The truth is
nothing
will ever
be the same
again

Maybe
nothing
ever is

It would be easy
to look at it
as just another
problem
to be solved
but there is
no solution

There is
treatment

It keeps you alive
a little longer

It isn’t a cure

there is no cure
for death

The truth is
we are always
walking towards
death

Cancer is
a not very silent
alarm
reminding us
the end of our path
is near

And so
all those things
we put off

Healthy foods,
exercise for the body,
solace for the mind
becomes a need
not a choice

And then
there are days
like today

Where I sit
slumped
on my old
beat up sofa
looking out
the window
at a gray English
winter day
with a bright red amaryllis
blooming her heart out

While my mind
catalogs memories
happy ones
forgotten ones
curious ones

but no sad ones
no angry resentful ones

They haven’t
been invited
to this party

With the pain
my mind tumbles
in slow motion

I remember
the smell
of a vegetarian quiche
and the smile
on my little boy’s face
and the feeling of pride
in my fatigued heart

and love

I remember love

This path
of the woman
with half a breast
is always moving
in the direction
of love

There is fear
and pain
and isolation
but always
the mind and heart
join forces
turning my face
in the direction
of love

This cancer of the breast
is just another word
for love.

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Seasons or Is That What Love Is?

 

Today I find myself wondering
Do we change with the seasons?
When we don all those extra layers
do we wrap layers around our hearts?

Today I rushed outside at the sight of the sun
Forgetting my coat, my gloves, my scarf.
For a moment I paused, almost turned
But instead found myself shivering
Watching a squirrel scamper down a tree
While a tiny bird chattered it’s good morning to me
And I couldn’t bear to miss any of it.

Is that what love is?
Being willing to shiver a bit…
All for the sake of not missing any of it?

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Astrology and Tragedy in Current Events …and a Bit About Love

Pandora releases the evils of the world and discovers the Spirit of Hope.

Hi Dear Ones,
There has been a lot written about the tragedy that took place in a cinema in the town of Aurora, Colorado a few days ago. As an astrologer, or student of astrology, events, all events, can be a good way to understand how planetary energies manifest. However, if we are not careful we can forget that we are looking at people’s lives. Someone’s daughter, son, brother, sister, father, mother, lover, best friend, etc.

So I would caution against unwittingly using astrology to romanticize the more horrific aspects of our current society or to use it as just another form of voyeurism. It is natural to want to seek an answer, to look for some kind of understanding. I said on Facebook a few days ago: In my experience simple answers are not only rare, but often deceptive. I continue to stand by that statement.

So rather than write more on this subject, I am going to provide you with two links that I highly recommend.

The first is from Donna Cunningham’s blog. She is an astrologer I would trust with my life, let alone my blog. She has not done an interpretation but has provided us with the astrological information and an opportunity to contribute to a discussion in her comments section. That link can be found here: Skywriter: James Holmes Date of Birth Revealed

However, my favorite post on this event was written by Matthew Currie on AstrologyDating.com. You can find the link here: Why Did This Happen? James Holmes, Mass Murderer

I especially love this paragraph:

I suppose we could cobble together a narrative about how his repressed smoldering temper (Mars/Pluto) and probable parental issues (Sun square Moon) resulted in extreme violence (the Uranus-Pluto square). But you know as well as i do that LOTS of people have bad transits… in fact, several thousand humans share a birthday with James Holmes.

In fact, as an astrologer, my eyes were first drawn to the Pluto Mars conjunction in Scorpio with a Sadge Sun/stellium. And then I remembered I have a Sadge Sun (just two degrees from James Holmes) with a Pluto Mars opposition. I have never had the slightest urge to call myself the Joker and plan a massacre of my fellow humans… not even while Pluto was transiting my Scorpio Moon. So, yes, by all means, study his chart and the transit chart. Use this opportunity to explore the archetypes involved, but do not expect to find a definitive answer. I would also beseech you to guard against letting any answers you might uncover limit your capacity for compassion. Sometimes evil just happens.

I am sure I do not have to remind those of you who may be tempted to assume all Sagittarians are mass murderers, just waiting for the right opportunity, that a Sun Sign does not a man or woman make. I am equally sure you have not forgotten the concept of Free Will. However, if we do need to discuss those topics further, please let me know and I will add them to my future blog post topics.

For purely academic and intellectual purposes there is also a very interesting article posted by The Astrology Research Journal entitled: Frequencies of Various Aspects in the Horoscopes of Murderers and Serial Killers vs. Those of Randomly Generated Control Groups. It can be found here: Astrology Research Journal Archives/article82702_1/

For those of you looking for a BiWheel showing the birth chart (remembering that we do not know his time of birth so I have used a Solar Chart with his Sun on the ASC) in the inner wheel and the chart of the time of the shooting in the outer wheel, I include one here:

James Holmes with Batman Cinema Shooting Transits

And finally, how do we make sense of tragedy in our lives? Those that know me well, know I have experienced my fair share. I wish I had an easy answer.

You know what’s coming. It’s the same thing I always say: Love. Love, an open heart, forgiveness, right action, being the best person you can be, hope…

Honestly? I don’t know if LOVE can change the world, if it can fight evil or oppression. However, I think it’s well worth the effort. What I do know is that it will change you.

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. ~ Eric Fromm

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve
Namaste’
Robin